nearly there- have covered, and done the leeks, potatoes, beans, carrots, marrows, cauliflowers, lettuce and one cabbage.

I've been planning this bit for ages.....

Its time to marzipan!

I am not a fan of marzipan to eat I should admit, but I think it will make the cake look tons better so I am doing it.

 Plugged a couple of tiny craters with marzipan and added a collar.  This was glued on with warmed apricot glaze (yummy!).

Then used the base of the cake tin to cut out a circle to go on the top.  Glued it and smoothed it and then trimmed with a pallet knife where there were a couple of bulges.



Got to leave this for about a week before I can do the next step- covering with icing.

 Its beginning to look a lot like cake!

Out of the tin and paper after cooling overnight it looks the right shape. The recipe says to left it mature a bit before doing any decorating- and to feed it with brandy, cold tea and orange juice every few days.  So this is as far as the cake goes for now... but next time I try to cover it in marzipan.

It's out of the oven, and.....

so far, so good!

Its in the oven.......

The dried and candied fruit has been soaking in the brandy syrup since the last installment.  Stiring every other day- and it is now plump, sticky and spiced.

After getting the last few bits for the cake yesterday I devoted this evening to getting project cake into the oven.  Hot water on for the washing up, oven on a low heat and a brandied coffee on the side.

Unfortunately it is going to take 3.75 hours in the oven so several tantalising hours of smelling the essence of Christmas filling the flat, and fingers crossed for the outcome....

Another update when its been in a bit longer.  

I'm back again, new and improved....

returned to our irregularly programmed schedule.

(with apologies to the Disposable Heros of Hip-hoprisy)

I know its been a little while but life has been, on the whole, kind and I've been busy with work.  However now that the festivities of Halloween are over I have a little time to think about the next celebration.  Many thanks to those who were brave enough to join me for an evening of dressing up as characters from a grown-up cartoon, Archer! Top night all round.

Basically I have nominated myself to do an eightyth birthday cake in time for Boxing Day.  Writing about it here may spoil the surprise of a few of you, but I am confident that the Birthday boy himself won't be tuning in any time soon so.... if you see him, keep it hush-hush.

Over the last few weeks I have been amassing ingredients for the cake and the decoration.  Taken a slow and steady approach to try and get some usual and unusual bits and pieces that I think will go down well.

I started mixing the fruit tonight- to soak in a solution of orange juice, sugar syrup, cinnamon and brandy.  Its got to infuse over a couple of weeks- which should (at least in theory) give me enough time for the cake to mature in good time to decorate.  It smells amaaaaa zing.

I have a theme in mind for the decoration that I think suits - vegetables.  Am planning on crafting little carrots, cauliflowers, cabbages and the like.  When the cake is underway properly  I might post some progress pictures. I know flowers and the like are more usual for cakes- but I think it might look pretty.

In other news-

• have started writing a play for my drama group. Finding a play already written is proving to be hard- so have started jotting ideas down.  Will let you know if this comes to fruition.
• Got Drs again tomorrow.  I can hardly believe it but its been two months again already.  I suspect that carrying on treatment is going to be the best thing for the time being.

Dressing the part

Today I am dressing in costume for my part in the Drama showcase.  So I thought I would show you what I look like....

Tiggy Entwhistle

Trust- an excercise

This isn't a long post, but I wanted to talk about some of my feelings regarding trusting people.

There are some people that are trustworthy, regardless of their relationship to you. Or their own agenda.  They  may disagree with you, your politics, your religion, or even want to steal your boyfriend... but what they actually  say is honest, and to the point.

Other people may smile at your face, and nod at your opinions, and cosy up to your nearest and dearest.  But without trust they are more dangerous than those who outright face to face hate you.  The poison of a false smile, and nodding politely is more harmful than the strongest rebuking of an arguement.

Beware of the false, and dishonest- especially if they are determined to appear as your friends.

Cooking with Mary - Ready, Steady....Starving

A quick look in the fridge tells me that I made an error in the number of courgettes I recently purchased.  So I did a little search for a suitable recipe to use them up in.  I found this... courgette tagliatelle.

However I don't have a handy Waitrose here, so I had to improvise the ingredients.  I didn't have fresh thyme, creme fresh, or fresh lemon.

What I used:

• basics spaghetti
• jar pesto
• basics Italian hard cheese
• squeezy garlic
• red onion
• courgettes
• and...... Activia Greek style lemon flavor yoghurt.

How to make it:

• slice the courgettes - or food process them to get thin slices
• chop the onion, and gently fry in a shallow pan.
• add the courgettes, a spoon of pesto and a squeeze of garlic.
• boil the kettle, and cook the pasta in the normal way.
• when the vegetable is softened add a yogurt and a handful of grated hard cheese.
• Warm it through, and season generously.
• spoon the sauce over the cooked pasta to serve.

It might sound a little strange, but honestly it works.  Its fairly low in fat, as the amount used to soften the onion and courgette was tiny, as was the portions of pesto and cheese. It was also quick to prepare which I was glad of because I was so hungry.

Bank Holiday Weekends.... the other side

It is a four day weekend here, with usual business resuming on Wednesday.  Whilst it is really nice to have a break, and I certainly don't begrudge anyone enjoying some time away from work, and with people they care about ... there is another side to Bank Holidays that doesn't often get a mention.

Most people are with their families.  I, myself have spent a little time with my family this weekend.  However, there are times when having an even longer weekend than normal brings into sharp focus how lonely and empty time can be for some of us.  Friends don't tend to call, and ways to pass the time such as shops, libraries and leisure centers are closed.  

Weather permitting it can be lovely to take a trip out in the countryside, or even just a long walk around the neighborhood (nice and easy on the budget).  But it doesn't fill a whole day.

Food is hard to plan for some reason.  I think it has been praying on my mind how socially bonding food can be. To eat alone for a few days on the trot feels wrong in face of some many social/ family/ and public events.

I urge anyone who has been at a bit of a loose end this weekend to take a chance, and call someone you haven't called in a long time.  Chances are they will be just as pleased to hear from you as you are to speak.  But I ask one favor, please don't extend invites out of pity.  Tagging onto an event like a spare wheel is embarrassing and can be hurtful.  Sympathy cuts like a knife, so even if you feel it, don't show it, just be your usual chatty self. 

Make someones day and reach out to connect.  However brief, it will lift you as well as them.

xx

Its Party Time.....

You may have noticed a bit of a theme lately.... and lots of parties/ events/ celebrations.  So to do my bit I am joining in with this look. The bit you can't see is white jeans and red shoes.  Along with-

R, W & B themed nails

I hope the weather cheers up a bit and that everyone gets the chance for a nice relaxing long weekend, and that everyone's events go to plan.

Velcro Roller Set

I've been feeling a little flat today, so decided to pump up the volume.

Got to get to rehearsals for the play I am in later and some photos will be taken, so hopefully this will last till then.

I used- Nicky Clarke velcro rollers, and Lee Stafford double blow-out mouse.  The scarf and head band were just to help hold the rollers from slipping off my head whilst I did my face.

Bronzey look today using my new Naked 2 pallet from Urban Decay.

What do you think?

I'm back, back, back!

After some technical difficulties I have now managed to get back to writing the blog.. please stay tuned for more updates.
xxx

New Hairdo


Yes I have taken the plunge and dyed my hair after a very long break.  I have used Loreal Casting Dark Chocolate. I perhaps should have used Iced Chocolate here as it has come out slightly dark, but am hoping that after a couple of washes it will calm down to a more natural hue.
picture of hair

I also trimmed it myself using the "Mumsnet Haircut" method- after blow-drying straight, brush a ponytail of hair over the face. The tail to come out over the line that you wear your parting. Blunt cut the tail across- be aware that the closer you cut to your face the shorter the front layers are going to come out.  I left the layers quite long as I want to be able to tie my hair back after the cut, and don't particularly want a fringe. Once cut it will look a bit like a shaving brush.  Set the tail free and let your new layers swing into place.  All the dead ends have gone, and it took all of about 2 minutes to do.  Easy peasy!

Back to real life.

Today was another round of paperwork and awkward questions. I was interviewed by a medical firm.

It was just as slow and painful as I had feared. I am thankful that it is over and glad I got in as much information as I did.

Fingers crossed for a straight-forward outcome. If its a no, then just tell me soon so I can make other plans...

Am going to have to list some of my potential options for moving forward.  If anyone has any ideas to share, please let me know. I am on an upward curve, and long may it continue.
Xx

Bad sleeping patterns

Its nearly 3am and I am wide awake and also tired out.  I am coughing and can't get comfortable.  I am thirsty and my lips are cracked and sore.  I am assuming this means I am dehydrated with some sort of virus, causing me to cough, and have a sore throat.

I had one glass of wine at 8pm so its not excessive alcohol causing me to have disturbed sleep- I just can't seem to drop off properly tonight.  Every so often I feel almost like I am almost nodding off, then I have a myoclonic jerk (the sensation of falling, and a body twitch) which wakes me up again.

I anticipate being less chirpy tomorrow with such a disturbed night.  I just hope my mood doesn't drop to weepyness or worse.  I don't have nights like this very often, but when I do its very frustrating for the next few days to recover from getting overtired.

Enough for now, can't keep concentrating...ttfn.
xx

Ideal Saturday...

Apart from a sore throat, I am having the perfect day today.

Coffee, doughnuts, crisps and Benedict Cumberbatch on Youtube... with wine in the fridge for later.

My brain is off the hook, and the world can call me back later.
xx

Cooking with Mary

Broccoli and Stilton Soup


This is the easiest recipe to make, and it takes fifteen minutes tops to do.

• 1 red onion (doesn't have to be red, but I prefer them as they are a milder flavour) - chop roughly and fry gently in a heavy bottomed pan.
• Put the kettle on for some hot water
• Chop a head of broccoli into the softened onion.  I include the stalk, once I have cut the end off.
• Pour your boiling water to not quite cover the vegetable, and crumble in 2 chicken oxo cubes.
• Simmer for 10 minutes to cook down the vegetable. Try not to over cook it as you will lose the colour and flavor if it is too mushed up.
• Switch off the heat and add a splash of milk to cool the soup down a touch from the boil.
• Blitz the mixture with a blender, being careful not to decorate yourself or the kitchen with the thick green pulp.
• Put back onto the heat and crumble in approx 3 ounces of Stilton Cheese, and stir in until it is smooth.
• Don't over boil the soup as the nutrients will be destroyed. Serve once hot with a spoonful of sour cream and a sprinkling of chives.

Let me know if you have any luck in making it, or have any other serving suggestions. xx

Vinies Luminous Skin Mask
My skin is feeling decidedly oily today (for me), and I have a couple of blemishes that haven't come up properly yet. I decided to slap on a mask to try to draw out any excess oil.  The one pictured is the one I am trying today.

This is one that I got a sample for last month- it claims to contain Licorice Root Extract, Tamarind, Brahmi, Orange Fruit Extract, Bearberry Leaf Extract, Magnolia Extract, Mint Leaf Extract, Primrose Flower Extract, Lemon Balm Leaf Extract, Millefoil Flower Extract, Indian Sandalwood Oil, Indian Narcissus Oil and Indian Rose Oil.

I can smell the licorice root straight away- I know its not going to be everyone's cup of tea, but I like the smell.  Quite earthy as opposed to artificially perfumed.  

The look of the product is rather unpleasant.  It is a muddy slime green, like a fetid canal, with a gritty texture. The texture I don't mind so much, as a bit of grit will exfoliate when massaging onto the face in application.  However the look of it is really off putting- as though it has gone off, before I have even used it at all!  Not a good look smeared all over the face.  Think swamp monster rather than olive skinned goddess..

The smell remains pleasant during the treatment, and it does seem to really dry and tighten on the skin as it dries due to the clay in it.

The blurb about the product says it is for "luminous skin" so not really descriptive of any particular skin type, but after using it I would advise against it if you have a normal to dry skin.  I think the clay action will dry you out too much.  I am having an oily day, and it has been too harsh for me. It has dried me out to the extent that I felt tight and scaly afterwards.  I was disappointed as it appears to have discoloured my face cloth during the removal process to a sludge brown, and it has left me with red blotches (which I will now treat to a little sudocreme to calm it down).

Overall I would not recommend this to anyone who doesn't have oily skin as I think the action is too harsh.  I may use it up to treat spots, but as a mask it is too strong for my tastes.  The look is less than appealing, and the smell won't win it many fans, bar me, I think.

The Ayurvedic philosophy of the product range is appealing- a holistic natural approach, so I might be tempted to try more products by Vinies Ayurveda's Soul, but this isn't going on my wish list for purchase.

Problem solvers

I know I am about six months late in this, but I felt I had to write it anyway- Garnier BB Cream is awesome.  It seems to blend really well on my skin, and acts great as a base to put small amounts of foundation over, on days where more coverage is required.  I feel like I hardly have to use any as it slips on smoothly over the blemish balm.

I am very fortunate in that I don't really have problem skin, other than monthly blips.  So the light and moisturising balm is a great texture for me, and as far as I can tell hasn't had any negative reactions on my face.

The shade is ever so slightly orange compared to my winter white colouring, but once it is blended it isn't noticable, and I suspect as the sun creeps back into my life it will more closely match me, unless I consciously tan (which is rather rare for me).

Well done Garnier! Good product.
************************************************************

I have been enjoying nails that are longer than normal, as they seem to strengthen slightly in cold weather.  Unfortunately they also dry out and break quite easily.  I have been trying Sally Hanson Hard as Wraps gel nail strengthener, with some success. I just haven't been very strict with myself on my nailcare, so it is hard to give a final judgement as to whether it is a long term solution to my thin and breaking nails.  But I am giving it a go for now.

Any recomendations to strengthen and lengthen my natural nails would be appreciated... xx.

Not so young, or gifted but definitely skint

This week I am filing for bankruptcy.  This is an effort to draw one final line under all connections with my former husband, and get rid of a bill of fifty-something thousand pounds.

Debt isn't something I am comfortable with. I have pretty much always tried to be careful to only take out credit if there was no other alternative- so in the main apart from some hotel expenses for business trips that I have had reimbursed, this is just my car loan, and my former address.  The car was paid off three years ago, so the only outstanding debt is the shortfall between the cost of buying my house in Bradford and the resale value once I had  vacated the property and had it repossessed.  It hasn't been an easy road to get to this point.

At least in my case all the debt problems are concentrated into one single bill- I have tried very hard to make this the case.  It is only due to my health and employment status that I am taking this path.  I don't advocate this course of action for anyone lightly, and would advise against it in more usual circumstances.

The most surprising factor in all this is how expensive it is to get yourself declared bankrupt.
"here look at me, I have no money left, oh except this fee,  which would go nowhere to touch the amount owed."

I am working hard on my mood to not let this get me down, and just to try to enjoy the time I have to its fullest, and make some plans for the future.  I can't say it is without stress, but I don't think I am doing too badly considering.  My friends and family have been awesome this week in treating me for my birthday, so I know I am blessed.

Sending best wishes to anyone reading this who is experiencing money troubles, its a tough situation for us all in our own way.  Lets hope this year turns things around in all sorts of positive and surprising ways. xx

New year, new self

I had taken some time away from the blog to work out more about what I want to achieve with it, and getting myself to a point where I have any spark of creativity in me.Since I was here last I have had several setbacks to getting better, several outcomes I could have done without, and am still taking medical advice on my situation.  I am currently up to 60mg of prozac and also 2 x dothiepin at night to help me switch off.

I am not going to detail Christmas too much, but I feel it warrants a mention as I find it a time of year difficult to cope with in times of wellness, never mind in an actively depressed state.  This year has been both horrible and stressful in brand new ways I wasn't expecting, but also given me fresh perspective on my family, and my relationships with them.  I have gained new strength from family members whilst at the same time trying my damnedest to be supportive of them and their needs, offer as much practical help as I could and keep the mask of normality up for the duration.  I will probably return to this topic in full at a later date, as it feels quite overwhelming to examine it right now.

- new subject-
It is the first week of the year, and I have had a very turbulent time, experimenting with on-line dating.

The first thing I want to say about it is that I have now removed myself from the site in question, so no point in trying to look for me on there.

The second thing is that I in no way blame the owners of the site for the responses, or my experiences with using it.  Please don't go thinking I am slagging off any of the on-line dating facilities/ services, or offering my experience as representitive of what that provider can give. This is not a compare and contrast review, it is just what happened to me.

I signed up on New Years Eve.  Possibly a mistake in itself, but I was feeling in need of male company, and the whole new year resolution thing swept me up in the idea that I was going to be brave and try to be more open to talking to people this year.

The next thing that became apparent was that there were a huge number of people looking to make new connections at that point, possibly for the "kiss at midnight" thing that single people are often persuaded to use as a reason to kiss someone for the first time.  My phone went crazy with alerts letting me know there were people waiting to chat to me through the medium of text.  It being a party night the beeps continued well into the small hours, and didn't stop.  I assumed that it would slow down after people had gone back to work and gone back to their usual sleep patterns, but at any hour of the day or night I would be approached by male users of the site.

Oh dear, the men!  I should point out that I love men, and have always been fond of male company, and am much more heterosexual than not.  With that in mind please understand that I am massively generalising here as I don't mean every single bloke who made contact with me, but a very great number of them.

The approaches were varied.  In the main it was a veriation of "hi, how are you?", which was fine, cheesy (or gross) sexual come-ons, which in my opinion weren't fine at all, jokes that came across badly in text, or lengthy preamble to try to get me to engage in "a bit of fun".  This translates as biting on their hook lines and playing along with whatever ideas pass for their sexual fantasies, (presumably while they played with themselves), and being ignored when I offered opinions of my own on the topic at hand, (so to speak!).

Some of the guys were open that they wanted their "bit if fun" whilst married, or coupled up. Some I think may have been looking for a more involved version of "fun" of a professional nature, ie where money changes hands.  These guys worried me.  They were full of their own self importance, and often were open about having little or no respect for women.  I quickly learned to delete these ones before they became abusive, and then moved on to block the more persistent ones.

By the end of the week I had blocked 99 men..... the most shocking ones were the 18-20 year olds, who had  clearly far too much exposure to porn, and no exposure to real people in the real world.  They could barely write in sentences, and often seemed to think I should be persuading them that I was worthy of having sex with, "sell it to me!" being the most memorable quote.

Then there were the night owls, people who clearly thought that the bast time to approach someone to chat was 3 or 4 in the morning,.  Now whilst this isn't too much of a problem for me in my current state of recuperation, it sure would be if I was in work right now, I didn't mind the sweet Mexican boy who apologised for waking me when he realised the time difference, but what excuse did the guys in the same county have?

I did swap numbers with a few, but I only agreed dates with four guys. I would have set up a fifth if the guy in question hadn't been so insistent that I would have to drive for 90 mins to pick him up in my car then take him to his house, and that meeting at the pub at the end of his road was too difficult for him!  I explained that there was no way I would agree to meet him for the first time out of a public place, and he started to get very cross with me.  After a few hours had passed he explained that the reason he didn't want to go anywhere was that he was overweight so any walking gave him posture problems, and that he wasn't a creepy rapist after all!  By then I had totally gone off him due to the language he used when cross with me in addition to the creepyness and being overweight.

The first guy I agreed to meet for a coffee in town turned out to have no idea where any cafes were (really!), despite living directly in the city centre, and was surprised that Waterstones had a coffee shop in it.  This was the first major sign that things with this chap were not meant to be.  We had certain things in common, but it turned out that those things sustained a five minute conversation, and there was nothing more to be gained by revisiting the topics.  I drank my beverage, and struggled through for more topics to chat about.  His conversational skills were somewhat limited, but out of nowhere he asked me to follow him from the shop directly to his house to be alone.  I was totally taken off guard that he was basically asking me home with him within an hour of meeting and some awkward silences during that time.  So I tried my best to be gracious, and explain that "its not you, its me" and make a get away as politely but firmly as possible.  Two days later he messages me, not to chat and be friendly, but just to ask for sex.  Its just not pleasant.

The second date was either a non-event or a lucky escape depending on how suspicious you are.  I am very dubious about the motives of "J" allegedly an emergency services worker, who seemed desperate to meet me in person as soon as humanly possible, yet when the prearranged time frame came around, apparently just drove to a car park and did not get out of his vehicle to meet me.  I had left my phone on charge at home when I went to that meeting point, and when I returned home after waiting for 20 minutes in the freezing cold I had got several text messages, and dating site messages trying to contact me.  The dating site has an option to see how far away another user is, and it is my strong believe that he deliberately didn't get out his car to meet me thinking I would have my phone on me to go meet him.  He would then be able to track me via my phone and follow me home.  He got binned quickly.

The third date was this afternoon just gone, with "A".  I met him at the station, he was polite, seemingly respectful and not creepy.  We went for a drink, sadly a major football game was on the same day, so town was full of footie fans and police expecting trouble.  He admitted that he had known about the football before setting the date up, and had therefore known that we would be in a pub full of supporters (? and didn't want to walk elsewhere, even though I had indicated I wasn't comfortable in that atmosphere).  Its not my idea of a romantic setting but I let it pass.  I wasn't convinced that he was single, with several comments he made during the 2 hours we sat together.  For my part I did what I could to keep the conversation flowing, even though I didn't think there was any chemistry, and he made no move to flirt with me or make physical contact during the date, which I took to mean hat he realised that we had nothing in common too.  The date ended and I legged it up town, being careful to make eye contact with one of the police outside the pub, in the hope that if he had tried to follow me at all, it would be spotted.  He didn't follow me, but we ended the date in the traditional brush off "I'll call you" from him, so I was expecting nothing further from him.  I certainly didn't expect the flurry of texts several hours later basically asking for feedback on the date, that started off polite, but when it had been made abundantly clear that a second date was not on the cards with me, then turned to creepy sexual suggestions that went on far too long.  Another person binned off my phone and blocked from messaging me.

The fourth date hasn't happened yet, and I am toying with the idea of cancelling.  He seems rather too similar to date three in the approach and choice of language, and I am suspicious that he is also married.  None of the guys deigned to actually phone me. When they had my number, it was text only, which was rather impersonal and not exactly reassuring.

Out of the chats I had with blokes who I didn't arrange to meet, a couple were memorable.  The soldier who had apparently done a tour of duty in nine different countries, despite being no older than me, who just wanted to chat all night long, and wouldn't tell me anything personal about himself and would only tell me things about being in the army.  That was another hard work conversation where I wittered about inconsequential rubbish for a good hour or more.  There was the lad from Yorkshire, who described himself as boring every time I tried to get him to open up.  Quite repressed I think, and I wont be surprised to hear from him again asking me if I would listen to him fantasise in the most oblique terms imaginable.  And finally there was "T" I am fairly sure that I will never see him, and that if I did he would treat me like a princess, but there is something slightly off-putting about a guy who wont speak on the phone, but instead spends ages constructing cyber roses out of punctuation.  He was more of a friend in my eyes, and I have told him so, but he is worshipful nonetheless.

I am still interested in men, but not these men.  For the time being I am done with dating.